Ryanair’s new and improved bans, charges and rules on absolutely fucking everything.

An announcement from Ryanair, Europe’s most beleaguered cheapo airline. Due to policy changes, they will no longer be allowing passengers to take novels, or paperback books of any description on board unless they pay a priority reading fee.

A jewellery fee will also be implemented in the coming months, meaning that no passenger may board the plane wearing jewellery weighing more than 1 gram. This, in conjunction with the recent baggage allowance changes, requiring passengers to pay £100 per 6-inch carry on cabin bag and £3,000 per checked bag over 2kg comes as no surprise to Ryanair’s long-suffering passengers. 

They are more than familiar with the ban on wearing the colour red unless purchasing a priority colour pass for £10 per red item. 

With a 1-in-6 million chance of randomly being allowed to sit next to your travelling companion, Ryanair invites you to pay a buddy fee which will guarantee this privilege.  Even when there are empty seats next to you AND your travelling companion.

As of this week, Ryanair has also introduced a £5 on board fee (per visit) to use the lavatory. They accept Visa and MasterCard.

The ban on ponytails and scrunchies has been in effect for some time, however, their recent strict rules regarding the requirement to print boarding passes only in Black and white has caused some concern and confusion. Many befuddled passengers have been refused permission to board, or asked to pay a fee of £50 at the gate for boarding passes printed in colour.

An unapologetic spokesperson for Ryanair made this comment (before denying that the company is considering introducing a take-off and landing fee).

“We’re losing money hand over fist so we’ve had to employ a specialist team of strategists to devise creative new ways to bleed our customers dry. It’s working well, and the feedback is encouraging. We’re not a charity after all. We’re still proud to be the cheapest of all the shit airlines, but if you want service with a smile – or in our case, just service – you have to pay for it. And you can take that to the bank!”

When asked about their clunky, confusing website, useless Ukrainian chatbot, hopeless phone communication process, the 5 days it takes to return an email, and the constant “accidental” overcharging of customers, the spokesperson said, 
“Oopsie. I never said we were perfect”.

Fucking Ryanair!

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Georgia
Georgia
1 year ago

Love this! Ryanair are the absolute worst

Dora bona
Dora bona
1 year ago
Reply to  Georgia

Totally agree, and it’s bizarre how we couldn’t sit together on an empty plane without paying for the privilege. Fucking Ryanair!